


Dark Epoch

by tomfoolery14



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Buddhism, Character Study, Episode: s03e11 Lost Souls, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-06 02:55:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17931479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomfoolery14/pseuds/tomfoolery14
Summary: Meditation was a crucial part of his routine for much of his life, and now, in this darkest time, it was even more than that—it was a necessity. Without his magic, he felt like a soul trapped in a stranger’s body, and he so desperately wished he could find a way to feel at home within his vessel once more. If he could at least feel a sense of control and oneness with his mind, perhaps the body could follow.





	Dark Epoch

With a measured exhale, Magnus clutched his greying mala beads close to his chest, allowing the smell of sandalwood to permeate his senses.

He had had this particular strand for centuries, and with it cultivated his fondness for the unique aroma. It became synonymous with security and relief, and he began to surround himself with it in every way he could.

Meditation was a crucial part of his routine for much of his life, and now, in this darkest time, it was even more than that—it was a necessity. Without his magic, he felt like a soul trapped in a stranger’s body, and he so desperately wished he could find a way to feel at home within his vessel once more. If he could at least feel a sense of control and oneness with his mind, perhaps the body could follow.

His knees were beginning to ache from his place kneeling on the floor, despite the rug he had meticulously positioned beneath himself before he began. He had been here for hours, eyes closed as he rolled each bead between his fingers and repeated his mantra each time.

One hundred and nine beads on this strand. One hundred and nine desperate pleas for deliverance, for respite, multiplied by the innumerable number of times he began again upon reaching the end.

He’d memorized the four noble truths as a child, and had many lifetimes to make his peace with the fact that at the foundation of existence was suffering. He knew that better than most, after everything he had seen and done. And while he knew that the source of his greatest pain was the depth to which he desired—peace, belonging, love, redemption—he still warred with himself. He yearned for deliverance from it all now more than ever.

“I’ve fallen so far,” Magnus whispered, clutching the beads so tightly he drew blood from his palm where his nails dug into the fragile skin.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on [tumblr](http://royaltybane.tumblr.com)


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